I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Randomize