nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
