just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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