Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
