and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
