do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
