I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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