i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
