you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Yo dont text me then not text me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
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The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
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I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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