A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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