I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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