Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
