I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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