Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
