yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
