my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
