If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
