dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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