Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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