Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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