Swine flu is the new snow day.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
