Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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