I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
