your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
