Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
