I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
