You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
