Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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