I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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