I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
