The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
