Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
