i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
