I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize