I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
This house was built for laser tag.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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