i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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