"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
