I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
