my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
