I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
