the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
