I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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