I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
