She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
