So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
