i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
