He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
