Pants 0. Shit 1.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
