here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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