Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
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I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
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Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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