I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
