drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
