I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Houston, we have a blender
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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