I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
