Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
nutella sex= disaster
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
