I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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