checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
