Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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